Shameful Crush

Isn't it embarrassing that I still admire my school crush? (I hate that word 'crush' yet that's all it was)
From sixth grade on I adored this kid. We were friends in middle school but it was really only like the guy who you always get 'stuck' sitting next to in class, talk to much, and end up separated in trouble. In high school we only had one or two classes together over the years so we didn't see much of each other (not like he cared). He had a ton of friends but even when he didn't, he was quick to make new.
I was a turn-off in high school, I had a long awkward phase, and I didn't really do anything socially. I had no one to tell my feelings to, you know none of that girly chit-chat. Plus to make matters worse, throughout high school I only had one "close" friend and for some reason starting freshman year and then intensifying during sophomore year, there was this long-running joke of her and my crush's love. It was supposed to be that he was absolutely in love with her and she way shy, coy, and kind of kept him at a distance. Yes it was supposed to be joke (to be honest, I hope it was), yet during junior year he said he wasn't going to prom and his friends were like just ask that girl, but my friend was not into dances so she didn't go and I don't know what he did.
Anyways, it still bugs me that I still think about him. It is embarrassing since whenever I have a dream about having friends, having a relationship, or being back in high school, he is always there in focus. I haven't seen him in four years, nothing even remotely ever happened that would even resemble a relationship, and he has a life.
How pathetic am I?
One day I hope to find a nice guy, have an actual conversation. Who knows, maybe I could finally go out on my first date... possibly one day I will even have my first kiss... (yes I am 21, not 11).
Where am I even supposed to find decent guys these days? All I know is that although i am addicted to it,
the hallmark channel is quite inaccurate.