Isn't it embarrassing that I still admire my school crush? (I hate that word 'crush' yet that's all it was)
From sixth grade on I adored this kid. We were friends in middle school but it was really only like the guy who you always get 'stuck' sitting next to in class, talk to much, and end up separated in trouble. In high school we only had one or two classes together over the years so we didn't see much of each other (not like he cared). He had a ton of friends but even when he didn't, he was quick to make new.
I was a turn-off in high school, I had a long awkward phase, and I didn't really do anything socially. I had no one to tell my feelings to, you know none of that girly chit-chat. Plus to make matters worse, throughout high school I only had one "close" friend and for some reason starting freshman year and then intensifying during sophomore year, there was this long-running joke of her and my crush's love. It was supposed to be that he was absolutely in love with her and she way shy, coy, and kind of kept him at a distance. Yes it was supposed to be joke (to be honest, I hope it was), yet during junior year he said he wasn't going to prom and his friends were like just ask that girl, but my friend was not into dances so she didn't go and I don't know what he did.
Anyways, it still bugs me that I still think about him. It is embarrassing since whenever I have a dream about having friends, having a relationship, or being back in high school, he is always there in focus. I haven't seen him in four years, nothing even remotely ever happened that would even resemble a relationship, and he has a life.
How pathetic am I?
One day I hope to find a nice guy, have an actual conversation. Who knows, maybe I could finally go out on my first date... possibly one day I will even have my first kiss... (yes I am 21, not 11).
Where am I even supposed to find decent guys these days? All I know is that although i am addicted to it,
the hallmark channel is quite inaccurate.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
That's the Truth
I previously tried blogging (here in 2013) but I did not have the right frame of mind.
I have been suffering with an eating disorder for about 3.5 years. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder and general anxiety disorder in 2012. I was put on medication for my anxiety and experienced some improvement for awhile, but not much. I continue to take it for fear that if I stop I do not know how I would handle myself. Though I have come to understand that I have some sort of imbalances in my brain and I have done a lot of research on my disorders to understand what I have, they still control me.
My eating disorder is in flux. I have experienced fluctuations of restrictions in my eating habits and with that a rollercoaster of emotions. My mom is the only person in my life who I feel I can talk about anything to. Sometimes I feel bad for the amount of negative thoughts about myself that I bombard her with. She constantly says "if you died in a car wreck tomorrow, you would not be worried about having eaten a donut today. Heck have two, I dare you".
I finally had a break through when my mom and grandma took me to Las Vegas for my birthday. I do not drink alcohol or party, and I don't have any friends, therefore my trip was not expected to be that of a typical girl spending her 21st birthday in Vegas. I just love the idea of travel, revisiting the sights of the strip, shopping (window shopping that is), getting away from the monotony at home, and maybe try a little gambling. My grandma is getting stubborn, picky, and physically slow in her old age, and though I love her, I knew that the trip was going to be adjusted to fit her wants and needs.
The day before the trip I was TERRIFIED. The big issue was that I would not have access to my normally regimented eating schedule. I kept telling my mom and grandma my number one rule was NO BUFFETS. I said this was because they were for overweight, lazy people who cannot find a good restaurant, and the fact that there are so many options means they focus on quantity instead of the quality of specializing in one type of food, or heck, sticking to one continent.
The truth was that I know how my eating disorder began. All through childhood I never experienced the feeling of being full. With access to whatever foods I wanted, I looooved to snack and there was a path that I always went down. Eat a cinnamon donut, my favorite. Yum, but now I need some salty chips. Hmm, something sweet right about now would get rid of the lingering salty flavor, so how about some ice cream. A bit of rocky road, and a bit of cookie dough in a waffle cone will suffice. Man, now I feel sweeted out, so... time for some peanuts. This cycle went on all day from after breakfast to after dinner. Plus, when I had something I liked I did not just have a little. A double scoop at the ice cream shop was perfect, and when we went to pick up a dozen donut holes for a dollar, I would not share the bag with my sister, we would each get one and mine would be gone by the time we got back home. I was never more than just a little heavy for my size since throughout school I was in at least one activity, whether it was softball, dance, or volleyball. When I quit volleyball to finish high school a year early, after a few month of not having a routine activity made me feel strange. Before long I was hating the way I looked and felt, yet I felt to insecure to go out and do some sort of exercise or activity on my own (and I have zero friends to have join me). Therefore I started to watch exactly what I was eating. When normal people watch what they are eating they mean that they choose healthier options, but I do not like fruits, vegetables, and I have a pickiness when it comes to food textures. Therefore I still would eat the same types of not-so-good snacks and frozen foods, just a heck of a lot less. I stopped going out to lunch and dinner with my family, soon I wouldn't even join them for dinner since I wanted my restrictive frozen meal instead of what they were eating. I always made excuses and I spent a lot of time alone.
Anyways, the first day in Las Vegas, where does my grandma want to go? The old downtown Las Vegas for the buffet. So thats what we do. I was fuming inside but did not show it. I was mad because I knew I wouldn't control myself.... Well I decided to go for it and try all of the foods I used to eat as a kid and it was AMAZING. I couldn't remember the last time I had fresh BBQ pork buns, orange chicken, and sugar coated donut twists. I ate more in one sitting then I used to in a day and a half. For the moment I was happy and remembered that food can be enjoyed. The next three days were a repeat having gone to the buffet three more times. I was happy.... I couldn't remember the last time that word had come out of my mouth.
I cried on the plane ride home. I was coming back home, back to my last term at the university where I live with my parents and I have no friends. I knew my days were going to go back to the typical monotony of nothing to do, not being able to figure out how to find work, and sitting on the couch cross-stitching pictures of my pets all day. Feeling lazy, gross-looking, and useless.
It has now been a month and a half since my happiness trip (no I did not, and have never done drugs) and I wish I could experience some of those emotions at home. I have been going out to lunch and dinner a lot with my family like I used to as a kid. They were surprised to see me enjoying my old favorite places. I truly was, yet every single time, when I get back home I feel this painful sense of guilt and hatred for eating what I did or whatever for else and it just bundles up inside of me.
There are days of eating multiple meals out at restaurants, consuming much more than I should. And there are the days where I try to go back to my old restrictions only to not quite keep it at the limit, where I then feel just as bad. In any case, I can't just keep my feelings to myself. I hope that my attempts at revamping a blog may help my situation, and hey if anyone ever actually reads this that would be pretty cool too.
Anyways, I will definitely not always be this wordy.
Okay... bye.
I have been suffering with an eating disorder for about 3.5 years. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder and general anxiety disorder in 2012. I was put on medication for my anxiety and experienced some improvement for awhile, but not much. I continue to take it for fear that if I stop I do not know how I would handle myself. Though I have come to understand that I have some sort of imbalances in my brain and I have done a lot of research on my disorders to understand what I have, they still control me.
My eating disorder is in flux. I have experienced fluctuations of restrictions in my eating habits and with that a rollercoaster of emotions. My mom is the only person in my life who I feel I can talk about anything to. Sometimes I feel bad for the amount of negative thoughts about myself that I bombard her with. She constantly says "if you died in a car wreck tomorrow, you would not be worried about having eaten a donut today. Heck have two, I dare you".
I finally had a break through when my mom and grandma took me to Las Vegas for my birthday. I do not drink alcohol or party, and I don't have any friends, therefore my trip was not expected to be that of a typical girl spending her 21st birthday in Vegas. I just love the idea of travel, revisiting the sights of the strip, shopping (window shopping that is), getting away from the monotony at home, and maybe try a little gambling. My grandma is getting stubborn, picky, and physically slow in her old age, and though I love her, I knew that the trip was going to be adjusted to fit her wants and needs.
The day before the trip I was TERRIFIED. The big issue was that I would not have access to my normally regimented eating schedule. I kept telling my mom and grandma my number one rule was NO BUFFETS. I said this was because they were for overweight, lazy people who cannot find a good restaurant, and the fact that there are so many options means they focus on quantity instead of the quality of specializing in one type of food, or heck, sticking to one continent.
The truth was that I know how my eating disorder began. All through childhood I never experienced the feeling of being full. With access to whatever foods I wanted, I looooved to snack and there was a path that I always went down. Eat a cinnamon donut, my favorite. Yum, but now I need some salty chips. Hmm, something sweet right about now would get rid of the lingering salty flavor, so how about some ice cream. A bit of rocky road, and a bit of cookie dough in a waffle cone will suffice. Man, now I feel sweeted out, so... time for some peanuts. This cycle went on all day from after breakfast to after dinner. Plus, when I had something I liked I did not just have a little. A double scoop at the ice cream shop was perfect, and when we went to pick up a dozen donut holes for a dollar, I would not share the bag with my sister, we would each get one and mine would be gone by the time we got back home. I was never more than just a little heavy for my size since throughout school I was in at least one activity, whether it was softball, dance, or volleyball. When I quit volleyball to finish high school a year early, after a few month of not having a routine activity made me feel strange. Before long I was hating the way I looked and felt, yet I felt to insecure to go out and do some sort of exercise or activity on my own (and I have zero friends to have join me). Therefore I started to watch exactly what I was eating. When normal people watch what they are eating they mean that they choose healthier options, but I do not like fruits, vegetables, and I have a pickiness when it comes to food textures. Therefore I still would eat the same types of not-so-good snacks and frozen foods, just a heck of a lot less. I stopped going out to lunch and dinner with my family, soon I wouldn't even join them for dinner since I wanted my restrictive frozen meal instead of what they were eating. I always made excuses and I spent a lot of time alone.
Anyways, the first day in Las Vegas, where does my grandma want to go? The old downtown Las Vegas for the buffet. So thats what we do. I was fuming inside but did not show it. I was mad because I knew I wouldn't control myself.... Well I decided to go for it and try all of the foods I used to eat as a kid and it was AMAZING. I couldn't remember the last time I had fresh BBQ pork buns, orange chicken, and sugar coated donut twists. I ate more in one sitting then I used to in a day and a half. For the moment I was happy and remembered that food can be enjoyed. The next three days were a repeat having gone to the buffet three more times. I was happy.... I couldn't remember the last time that word had come out of my mouth.
I cried on the plane ride home. I was coming back home, back to my last term at the university where I live with my parents and I have no friends. I knew my days were going to go back to the typical monotony of nothing to do, not being able to figure out how to find work, and sitting on the couch cross-stitching pictures of my pets all day. Feeling lazy, gross-looking, and useless.
It has now been a month and a half since my happiness trip (no I did not, and have never done drugs) and I wish I could experience some of those emotions at home. I have been going out to lunch and dinner a lot with my family like I used to as a kid. They were surprised to see me enjoying my old favorite places. I truly was, yet every single time, when I get back home I feel this painful sense of guilt and hatred for eating what I did or whatever for else and it just bundles up inside of me.
There are days of eating multiple meals out at restaurants, consuming much more than I should. And there are the days where I try to go back to my old restrictions only to not quite keep it at the limit, where I then feel just as bad. In any case, I can't just keep my feelings to myself. I hope that my attempts at revamping a blog may help my situation, and hey if anyone ever actually reads this that would be pretty cool too.
Anyways, I will definitely not always be this wordy.
Okay... bye.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Busy Busy
I have been really busy lately with the amount of school work I have this term. After I switched from Criminology to Art History, I switched again to Minorities (sociology). It is soooo much more my style, the problem is I had a lot of catching up to do.
Anyway, I went to lunch after school today at Laughing Planet.
Anyway, I went to lunch after school today at Laughing Planet.
Burrito, yum.
Love the warm, chewy tortilla
It was stuffed with huge pinto beans, rice, and gooey cheese. It was amazing!!!
Then home to read textbooks :(
But I did have something interesting for dinner.
Annie's all stars pasta in tomato sauce blows spaghetti-o's away.
Plus some POCKY! I forgot how much I love these little guys. Oops forgot a picture.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Almost The End of a Long Week
This has been the longest week of my life. On the one hand I am glad it is Thursday because it is almost Friday, however, on the other it is not that great because I still have to get through tomorrow. I took a long nap this afternoon though so I am ready.
After school we went to a brew pub called Hopworks and I had a slice of pizza.
Their cheese pizza is the best because it has so much flavor within each part. They use several cheeses, garlic oil, very flavorful sauce, and a nice wheaty crust. They list where all of their ingredients are from to show how healthful they are so it is a plus.
After, since we were already across town, we decided to go to our favorite bakery, Delphina's, today.
I never ever get tired of their moist and buttery cream scones.
Howie was cute again by the sink tonight :)
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Midweek Fun...
Well, I started my art history class today and it was not too bad, it was slightly interesting. The problem is that the teacher moves so dang fast with so much information thrown at you at once. Oh well, all I can do is try. However, my philosophy class is pretty cool.
This afternoon I was feeling kind of "blah" again and I saw some overripe bananas on the counter. So of course I whipped up a banana bread. It was not pretty enough to take a picture.
For dinner, I was not in the mood for burgers with the rest of my family so I had a Chicken Rice-a-Roni and a chicken breast cut into pieces. Yum.
Afterwards, my mom showed up with some Lofthouse cookies as they were on sale from easter. I have not had these in years. They were doughy, floury, and too sweet, just like I remembered and still love.
Oh and recently, the kitty at my sister's house has found his new favorite spot...
This afternoon I was feeling kind of "blah" again and I saw some overripe bananas on the counter. So of course I whipped up a banana bread. It was not pretty enough to take a picture.
For dinner, I was not in the mood for burgers with the rest of my family so I had a Chicken Rice-a-Roni and a chicken breast cut into pieces. Yum.
Afterwards, my mom showed up with some Lofthouse cookies as they were on sale from easter. I have not had these in years. They were doughy, floury, and too sweet, just like I remembered and still love.
I had to have one of each color of course :)
Oh and recently, the kitty at my sister's house has found his new favorite spot...
Howie is so funny. He licks absolutely everything.
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